me and my heart

i guess most people would look at me and think that i'm an independent person, strong personality and always know what she wants and get what she wants.

however, i think of myself otherwise.

i'm always someone who don't really understand myself. i always dont know what i want and sometimes i see myself from above. like i'm not really me and i'm just observing what i am doing. i also based alot of my actions on my feelings. feelings that might become words when the brain works hard. sometimes the brain is too lazy to put feelings into words. that's why sometimes i have a problem when i try to access or speak what i feel.

however, 2010 had made me learn more about myself (or should i put it this way, 2010 made the brain know more about the heart). you see, the brain controls the bodily functions, the heart feels. i know my heart feel this way, but my brain reacts another way to my surrounding. sometimes, they have a conflict of interest.

anyway, after living almost independently, travelling, meeting new people, new thoughts and doing things that i've never thought that i would do, so many things that made me discover parts of my heart.  i'm not saying i fully understand the heart, but i feel that 2010 had been a big step moving to the direction.

when i'm younger i'm always trying to conform to the norms and doing what is "right" in the eyes of the people around me. i was judgemental because i know people around me judge. i am afraid of being judge. it is a part of people and i still do judge people. but i've learnt to overlook that and see what's beneath. i like to step outside the box.

i've visited many places in 2010, as i look back, all of it felt like a dream. i can't remember every single moment but photos help me to remember. the brain cannot remember all the details, but the heart could definitely feel how it felt. when you see photos, it makes the feelings so much stronger.

i have been more in touched and less in touched with my feelings. i've began to learn more about my feelings and emotions thus to express them. at the same time, i've learnt to control them to not let myself be carried away by my feelings.

2010, i've been living for myself. i do things for myself and only myself to report to. i'm not responsible for anyone nor do i have to report to anyone else.

i had also learnt more about the harsh reality and learn to accept it. life is cruel, but i'm still blessed.

i hope 2011 will be another year of discovery hopefully, the career and job that i would want to be in for a long long time. i want something that i love doing. 2011 is going to be me. and my heart.


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